I'm just going to do it, like ripping off a bandaid (A huge bandaid with superglue infused between the fibers of skin and cloth)..
My therapist (yes, I see a therapist), says that journaling is healthy and that I should give it a shot. Because I feel too weird 'complaining' about myself in a paper journal, I decided that if I blogged I am expressing more of an opinion and that I would healthily be expressing myself but in a more conscious way so that I am more careful of what I write. I also am trying to write more music for my guitar. Also a healthy idea.
As I was talking with Ryan this morning, about my recent changes, I became more aware of what I love. Whether it is love for Ryan, friends, family, myself or things that I do. Here is a compilation of things I love and different quirks I value.. (healthy, right?)
** Ryan. He love me for who I am. He understands me (or tries too!) He can always make me laugh. He makes me feel beautiful even when I feel ugly.
** Soccer. I guess it's an ego boost, but I love the feeling I get when I can dribble the ball around defenders and make a good play. I love that achievement.
** Pain. Yes, pain. I love the feeling I get when I play or work hard and the pain that follows. It's always a reminder of what I've done.
** Music. Music is a beautiful way to express emotion, even when you're not sure how to. Whether it's writing music, screaming at the top of your lungs, or jamming to it - you can't go wrong.
** Values and strife. Even if I don't believe in the same value - I so greatly respect when others are trying to be a better them. I recently spoke with one of my best friends, who has such great plans for herself in the future and I hope she does everything she can to achieve them.
** Nature. Life would be dull and boring without an outdoors. I love the dirt, sand, clouds, pavement, trees, water etc. I love using my body to make the natural elements coincide with what I want to achieve in my mind. When I speed down a cold, snowy hill and my legs support every change in pressure with my snowboard~ that's beautiful. When I use my finger to trigger a picture, on my camera, of the mountains ~ beautiful. Performing a stroke amongst water and it propels me forward ~ beautiful. The same best friend listed above, has helped me realize what i've done. I feel I am a very humble person and sometimes don't realize and appreciate the things I've done in my life. My life accomplishments deal greatly with nature. We decided that I am a very simple person..
** Simplicity. I love the simplicity of things. A simple piece of wood and you would think nothing of it; however, examining closer, you see the simple and natural detail. This is what I call quirks. I don't like drama and I'm sorry (well actually I'm not, but don't take offense) I can't stand watching people be idiots, getting knocked up, being stuck up, being snotty, and ruining lives on tv. Yes, I am guilty of watching an occasional 'Housewives' but then I catch myself and realize my appreciation for my life and NOT theirs. I hate listening to people bitch about how they hate drama and yet that's all I hear from there mouths. I will get off of my soapbox now, because this leads me to my next love..
**Freedom, mistakes and making things right. I am not perfect (by any means). Like I am, I'm sure some would be ashamed to here of my 'sins' - whatever. I am in love with the idea that I can be who I am and make changes. I love seeing that in other people (refer to above). Sometimes its hurtful to see people make decisions because they are not what you would choose (notice I did not use 'making wrong decisions'. Who decides what's wrong and right? think about it. Reflect on what you believe. That belief and soul/karma/entity inside you is what sends feelings through your body, deciding whats wrong and right. I just wish people listened to their third eye more. If you believe something, then do what you believe. As far as religion goes, I feel I see many people that say they believe something and yet do not follow their beliefs. "Do or do not, there is not try." ~Thanks, Yoda. This bullet is a giant circle because no one is perfect. Just try and do, don't tell Yoda. We can't all be Jedi warriors.
**My body. This is an unusual love for most women. My thighs are too big, I have a gut, Ugh- this mole. I'm sure you women that read this (if you've kept with me) have had at least one of these thoughts. I have become more and more involved in Yoga. Contrary to what I believed previously, It is not all just stretching. The beginning of each class, we close our eye, put our hands to heart center/ our third eye , we bow our head and we silently thank ourselves for our body and where we are that day. Usually this Yoga session is after dealing with work, family or other stressful things, and it brings me back to myself. We need 1-on-1 time with ourselves. Reflect on ourselves and thank ourselves for where we are today. We focus on the then and now; not on where we were (with our stretching or emotionally) last week, but where we are at the moment. As we were stretching and bringing our knees into our chest, I looked at my knees and thought "I love my knees!" I felt so happy. I have never had that thought until that moment. Our body does so much for us. Learning self-discipline is such an accomplishment and such a struggle. The accomplishment comes from the struggle. Learn to love your body (and do YOGA :) )
**Journal therapy. There I feel better. I guess it is healthy. Even if you don't read this, it has served it's purpose for me. I also can't edit what I've said because that requires me reading through it and I don't want to recall it; it's in the past.
Move forward.
Listen to within.
